There's An Elephant In The Room!

There's an elephant in the room. Everyone pretends not to see it. Sitting among the delicate furnishings, taking up lots of space, we all ignore the huge elephant in the room. It seems to get larger and larger as we all avoid confrontation.

Everyone knows the elephant. And yet they don't know how to approach the elephant. It seems that the elephant has taken control of everything and everyone in the room. Sitting there comfortably surveying the behavior of all around him, the elephant just grows and grows until there is barely enough room for anyone else.

The room gets very uncomfortable. Everyone wants to do something to make it better, but doesn't quite know how to approach the elephant. What if I try to slowly walk up to the elephant and talk calmly to him. Will he attack me? One brave soul decides to confront the elephant in the room. Trying desperately to be as careful as they can, the person approaches the elephant with caution and confronts the situation. But the elephant attacks! Viciously roaring and stomping, the elephant does not like what the person has to say. It does not matter what is said, you can not reason with the elephant. The elephant will have the last word and eat you alive.

How did the elephant get that way you ask? Probably because as a baby elephant, he was cute and adorable.But when he wanted his way, he would make loud noises and stomp around until he got his way. And sometimes, even though his mommy knew it was wrong, it was just easier to give him his way than to see how vicious and mean he might become. Sometimes it was just less embarrassing to let the elephant have his way and get it over with.

But the mommy though always loving and caring for the elephant, did herself no favors by allowing the baby elephant his way. He just grew up always forcing those around him to step on eggshells to get away from the wrath of the elephant in the room.

Now the elephant has grown so large he no longer fits in the room.

Everyone is avoiding him, and no one wants to come near him for fear that he will lash out at them and hurt them.

And yet, the elephant is very sad. He wants to communicate, he just doesn't know how anymore. The years and years of throwing his weight around have caused him to be avoided and feared. And the one who suffers the most in the room is the elephant.

Parenting

Doug's mother (if you want to call her that) gave up custody when he was only two years old. I guess she was too busy dating and just couldn't handle the responsibilities of raising a child while personally satisfying the physical needs of every male she came in contact with. Nevertheless, he always stayed in contact with her and tried to get as much love from her as he could possibly get her to fake. When we got married, we received a box full of dirt, broken pottery and a dead plant in the mail. Did I mention she was also a bit on the crazy side?

Doug's dad married five times. One of his ex-wives physically and sexually abused Doug, and made him give up every toy he owned. He also had to give up holidays and birthdays, as she was a Jehovah's witness. Doug had always been afraid of his dad even after the man went blind from glaucoma because he had always been physically and mentally abusive to him growing up. Doug always used to say that he felt like visiting with his dad was out of duty and not love. But he always managed to stay in touch with his dad and tried his hardest to build a relationship with him, even though it was futile. The man once got mad at us for sending him a birthday card and not a gift because his three step kids went in together to buy him a $10 watch. We on the other hand were struggling to raise two kids on a teachers salary. Whenever he visited, he always talked about sex, and put Doug down. Did I mention that he was a bit on the crazy side?

I married Doug December 31, 1976. My daughter Mandy was only four months old. Doug had asked me to marry him on our second date. We waited a three months. We had so much fun and connected so well before we got married, but then once we were married, things changed. He hugged me like I was a stranger. He was jealous and always accused me of wanting to cheat on him. He suddenly became totally un-affectionate and cold towards me. Suddenly, Doug did not like my family now that we were married. He distance himself from me, and tried to alienate me from my family. He would go to family get together's, sit away from everyone and blame them for not talking to him.

Doug and I had one child together, Phillip (PJ) who was born 10 months after we married, making him 15 months younger than his sister. PJ was Doug's chance to make up for the pain he had felt all of his childhood. He could protect and coddle PJ and make sure he never felt the pain that he felt of a mother and father who never really wanted to have a child.

Doug died when PJ and Mandy were 5 & 6 years old. He was playing racquetball and had a massive heart attack on the court dying instantly. When I called his mother to let her know that Doug had died, she couldn't make it to the funeral, but wanted to know if he left her any money. When his dad came to the memorial, he couldn't stay for the burial service. He later took me to court for grandparent visitation because I would not let the kids visit them without me along since they couldn't stand being with him. They won the battle, not the war.

I raised my kids alone and was both mom and dad to them. I didn't want to clutter their lives with a step parent and worry about some of the issues that come along with that, so I worked hard to do the best I could alone. I raised my kids in Church, while working full time; going to every school activity they were in; being scout mom; team mom; camp counselor; Sunday school teacher; struggling to pay for private school; always trying to make every event special and creating memories for them; while teaching them how important family and God are to them. I always told my kids that they were all each other had, and that they should always try to get along with each other.

Amazing! Doug worked so hard to keep a relationship going on with two people who didn't give a damn. They were self absorbed and had no time for anyone but themselves. My kids have always come first for me and I have always been willing to sacrifice anything including my life for them both. My love for them is unconditional, and nothing, absolutely nothing at all will change that I am and always will be mother to them both. Nothing will ever keep me from loving either of them regardless of what happens in our lives. I'm their MOM!

I think Doug's parents wouldn't have cared at all if he walked out of their lives. Neither of them would have blinked an eye if he turned away and never looked back. I on the other hand do care!

I have found that there are two types of children who never stop trying to build a strong and loving relationship with their parents.

1) Those who appreciate the love and sacrifices their parents made for them because of the unconditional love they were given.

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2) Those who are begging to be loved by parents who don't really care or understand what parenting is all about.

A Mother's Love

A Mother's Love

We are not all alike!

We don't always show our feelings, but we always want others to understand

them. Sometimes we wear them on our sleeve. Sometimes we suppress them.

Sometimes we feel everything, and sometimes we feel nothing.

Like my mother, I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I get hurt rather easily, but I

try to hide it from others through laughter. When I do tell someone I'm hurt, it

backfires. I'm either made fun of, or told how I only think of myself.

Not all kids are alike either.

I have two kids. One calls me daily and tells me how much she loves me.

The other one never calls, and tells me how weird it is to have his mom kiss

him on the lips. I love them both the same.

So why is it that mother's are willing to get hurt by their kids over and over again,

and still have unconditional love for them?

I believe it is because our Heavenly Father does the same thing for us. He loves

us even when we don't show him the love that he deserves. He understands that

we fall, but he is there to help us get up. His love is unconditional and always

present.

That is what I want to be to for my kids and my grand-kids. I want them to know

that regardless of what is going on, I am always there for them, always willing to

help, and always loving them.

But that does not mean I will always get back what I give. I have to be willing to

get what I get and get over it. So, that is exactly what I do. I rejoice for the good

times and pray for the tough times. I cling to those times that make me happy,

and try not to get upset by the sad times.

One day, I hope my kids and grand-kids know that in the end, all I ever wanted

for them was for thePublish Postm to be happy, healthy and loving God. And all I ever wanted

from them was their love and respect!

Love Mom!