There's An Elephant In The Room!

There's an elephant in the room. Everyone pretends not to see it. Sitting among the delicate furnishings, taking up lots of space, we all ignore the huge elephant in the room. It seems to get larger and larger as we all avoid confrontation.

Everyone knows the elephant. And yet they don't know how to approach the elephant. It seems that the elephant has taken control of everything and everyone in the room. Sitting there comfortably surveying the behavior of all around him, the elephant just grows and grows until there is barely enough room for anyone else.

The room gets very uncomfortable. Everyone wants to do something to make it better, but doesn't quite know how to approach the elephant. What if I try to slowly walk up to the elephant and talk calmly to him. Will he attack me? One brave soul decides to confront the elephant in the room. Trying desperately to be as careful as they can, the person approaches the elephant with caution and confronts the situation. But the elephant attacks! Viciously roaring and stomping, the elephant does not like what the person has to say. It does not matter what is said, you can not reason with the elephant. The elephant will have the last word and eat you alive.

How did the elephant get that way you ask? Probably because as a baby elephant, he was cute and adorable.But when he wanted his way, he would make loud noises and stomp around until he got his way. And sometimes, even though his mommy knew it was wrong, it was just easier to give him his way than to see how vicious and mean he might become. Sometimes it was just less embarrassing to let the elephant have his way and get it over with.

But the mommy though always loving and caring for the elephant, did herself no favors by allowing the baby elephant his way. He just grew up always forcing those around him to step on eggshells to get away from the wrath of the elephant in the room.

Now the elephant has grown so large he no longer fits in the room.

Everyone is avoiding him, and no one wants to come near him for fear that he will lash out at them and hurt them.

And yet, the elephant is very sad. He wants to communicate, he just doesn't know how anymore. The years and years of throwing his weight around have caused him to be avoided and feared. And the one who suffers the most in the room is the elephant.

Parenting

Doug's mother (if you want to call her that) gave up custody when he was only two years old. I guess she was too busy dating and just couldn't handle the responsibilities of raising a child while personally satisfying the physical needs of every male she came in contact with. Nevertheless, he always stayed in contact with her and tried to get as much love from her as he could possibly get her to fake. When we got married, we received a box full of dirt, broken pottery and a dead plant in the mail. Did I mention she was also a bit on the crazy side?

Doug's dad married five times. One of his ex-wives physically and sexually abused Doug, and made him give up every toy he owned. He also had to give up holidays and birthdays, as she was a Jehovah's witness. Doug had always been afraid of his dad even after the man went blind from glaucoma because he had always been physically and mentally abusive to him growing up. Doug always used to say that he felt like visiting with his dad was out of duty and not love. But he always managed to stay in touch with his dad and tried his hardest to build a relationship with him, even though it was futile. The man once got mad at us for sending him a birthday card and not a gift because his three step kids went in together to buy him a $10 watch. We on the other hand were struggling to raise two kids on a teachers salary. Whenever he visited, he always talked about sex, and put Doug down. Did I mention that he was a bit on the crazy side?

I married Doug December 31, 1976. My daughter Mandy was only four months old. Doug had asked me to marry him on our second date. We waited a three months. We had so much fun and connected so well before we got married, but then once we were married, things changed. He hugged me like I was a stranger. He was jealous and always accused me of wanting to cheat on him. He suddenly became totally un-affectionate and cold towards me. Suddenly, Doug did not like my family now that we were married. He distance himself from me, and tried to alienate me from my family. He would go to family get together's, sit away from everyone and blame them for not talking to him.

Doug and I had one child together, Phillip (PJ) who was born 10 months after we married, making him 15 months younger than his sister. PJ was Doug's chance to make up for the pain he had felt all of his childhood. He could protect and coddle PJ and make sure he never felt the pain that he felt of a mother and father who never really wanted to have a child.

Doug died when PJ and Mandy were 5 & 6 years old. He was playing racquetball and had a massive heart attack on the court dying instantly. When I called his mother to let her know that Doug had died, she couldn't make it to the funeral, but wanted to know if he left her any money. When his dad came to the memorial, he couldn't stay for the burial service. He later took me to court for grandparent visitation because I would not let the kids visit them without me along since they couldn't stand being with him. They won the battle, not the war.

I raised my kids alone and was both mom and dad to them. I didn't want to clutter their lives with a step parent and worry about some of the issues that come along with that, so I worked hard to do the best I could alone. I raised my kids in Church, while working full time; going to every school activity they were in; being scout mom; team mom; camp counselor; Sunday school teacher; struggling to pay for private school; always trying to make every event special and creating memories for them; while teaching them how important family and God are to them. I always told my kids that they were all each other had, and that they should always try to get along with each other.

Amazing! Doug worked so hard to keep a relationship going on with two people who didn't give a damn. They were self absorbed and had no time for anyone but themselves. My kids have always come first for me and I have always been willing to sacrifice anything including my life for them both. My love for them is unconditional, and nothing, absolutely nothing at all will change that I am and always will be mother to them both. Nothing will ever keep me from loving either of them regardless of what happens in our lives. I'm their MOM!

I think Doug's parents wouldn't have cared at all if he walked out of their lives. Neither of them would have blinked an eye if he turned away and never looked back. I on the other hand do care!

I have found that there are two types of children who never stop trying to build a strong and loving relationship with their parents.

1) Those who appreciate the love and sacrifices their parents made for them because of the unconditional love they were given.

&

2) Those who are begging to be loved by parents who don't really care or understand what parenting is all about.

A Mother's Love

A Mother's Love

We are not all alike!

We don't always show our feelings, but we always want others to understand

them. Sometimes we wear them on our sleeve. Sometimes we suppress them.

Sometimes we feel everything, and sometimes we feel nothing.

Like my mother, I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I get hurt rather easily, but I

try to hide it from others through laughter. When I do tell someone I'm hurt, it

backfires. I'm either made fun of, or told how I only think of myself.

Not all kids are alike either.

I have two kids. One calls me daily and tells me how much she loves me.

The other one never calls, and tells me how weird it is to have his mom kiss

him on the lips. I love them both the same.

So why is it that mother's are willing to get hurt by their kids over and over again,

and still have unconditional love for them?

I believe it is because our Heavenly Father does the same thing for us. He loves

us even when we don't show him the love that he deserves. He understands that

we fall, but he is there to help us get up. His love is unconditional and always

present.

That is what I want to be to for my kids and my grand-kids. I want them to know

that regardless of what is going on, I am always there for them, always willing to

help, and always loving them.

But that does not mean I will always get back what I give. I have to be willing to

get what I get and get over it. So, that is exactly what I do. I rejoice for the good

times and pray for the tough times. I cling to those times that make me happy,

and try not to get upset by the sad times.

One day, I hope my kids and grand-kids know that in the end, all I ever wanted

for them was for thePublish Postm to be happy, healthy and loving God. And all I ever wanted

from them was their love and respect!

Love Mom!

Advice, Comments and Come Backs

Have you ever just wanted to say what you are thinking as opposed to what is politically correct or acceptable??? Well, surprise...I pretty much say what's on my mind most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't set out to create a scene or embarrassing moment, I just liven things up a little when ever I can. So whenever people ask me some questions, or give advice, or just make comments that unnerve me a little, I usually have a come back. For Example...

Question from a cashier: How would you like to pay for that?

My answer: Out of your pocket!

Advice from my daughter: Pick your battles!

My answer: I just did!

Greeting from the waiter: My name is Joe and I will be your waiter tonight.

My answer: My name is Bonnie and I will be your customer tonight.

Comment from a friend after a heated debate: You are so opinionated.

My answer: Thank you...Would you like to have one too???

Mis-Matched Shoes

Never ever buy the same shoes in more than one color.The Fashion Police will attest to this! I found the best pair of Espadrilles at Gotschalks (formerly known as Harris Co.). They were cute, comfortable, and available in an aray of fashion colors. I loved them so much, I bought three pairs. Basic Black, Navy Blue and Red. When I found out I would be going on a business trip, I was exited to wear them. The night before the trip, I set the alarm clock for 3:30 am (well I meant to, but it ended up pm). I had ironed my outfit to save time in the morning. I'm awakened at 4:30 am from a deep sleep, with the faint sound of knocking at my front door. I run to the front door in my sweatshirt pajama gown that has an elephant on the front with a long trunk stretching up to the chest and a peanut hanging out of the end of the trunk. I digress!!! I answer the door and I promise my boss that I won't take more than 20 minutes to get ready. In lightning speed, I'm putting on my eyeliner as I brush my teeth. Combing my hair as I put on my lipstick. I finally stand next to the dark closet, slipping my right foot and then my left into my Espadrilles. I run outside, where it is still dark, and jump into the back seat. About half way to our destination, the sun starts peaking out and I look down with pride hoping to gaze at my new shoes, only to find that I have on one navy and one black shoe. I frantically tell my boss that we have to stop at a shoe store before I go to the meeting. He tries to harass me and convince me that he won't stop, but then realizes that I am in no mood to negotiate. We get to our destination and I drop him off as I drive to the nearest mall. As I wait for a little shoe boutique to open, the manager approaches the store. After some begging, he allowed me in the store early to pick out a new pair of matching shoes. As I shop in the store, he gets on the phone and calls his boyfriend. "Oh girl, I thought I was still drunk when I saw her shoes!", "She was desperate, I had to let her in!!!". I finally pick out a pair that matches my outfit, and wear them out of the store to start my journey back to the meeting place. As I enter the hotel, I decide to stop by the bathroom and freshen up. Back to normal, I run to find the meeting room. About 20 feet from the bathroom, I hear someone running up behind me and then a loud stomp. I turned around to find that one of the hotel employees is attacking the 20 foot streamer of toilet paper that is clinging to my shoe. I am deafened by the laughter of those who find my humiliation amusing. How could I have made such a foolish mistake??? Purchasing the same shoes in so many colors, is a recipe for disaster!!!

Attack Of The Project Natzi

You all know Mandy as the "Project Queen" or the "Goddess of Decorating on a Low Budget". But I'm here to tell you all the truth today.

Let me set the scene for you. New Years Day. I am in Mandy and Josh's dining room working on my computer while Josh and Mandy are in the living room watching a football game. The kids are playing Guitar Hero in the Family Room.

Suddenly that eery feeling comes into the air. It's that same feeling you get when there is a creepy silence before the storm. When you hear a stone silence before the earth quake if you will!!!

But I digress!

In a flash, Josh and I stop what we are doing and give each other that "Deer In The Headlights Look". It's that feeling that we have felt over and over again, when boredom overtakes Mandy and you realize that she is missing from the room.

Enter.....Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh....THE PROJECT NATZI!!!

Without even making a sound, she has moved everything away from the walls in the kitchen and started painting walls.

We peek around the corner hoping that she won't see us. The transformation has taken place.

Much like David Banner when he feels the anger at it's peek, the fix it monster has come to the surface. The casual clothing is ripped away and painting clothes suddenly appear. Her hair is pulled back away from her face, and like magic, every tool she needs to paint with, are in the kitchen in place to start her project.

Josh and I quietly peek around the corner, trying not to disturb the monster. We are painfully aware that if she gets a sighting of us, she will have tasks for us to do in her project frenzie! We tip toe back to where we were, and pretend not to notice that the Natzi is working on her evil plan to transform the house, one room at a time.

We are her unsuspecting prisoners and we never know when she is going to enter the room, and become a dictator shouting out orders for each of us. We start to feel a false sense of security. Somehow, we have managed to stay under the radar! Then, without warning, she enters the room.

Like watching a silent movie in fast forward speed, I am in the kitchen helping her move things back in to place and complimenting her work. Josh in the mean time has found a better hiding place and manages to stay away until her project regeme has ended!

I have lived through another attack, and I am a SURVIVER!!!

Customers New Years Resolution

THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!!!

However, I know quite a few retailers who would love it if certain consumers were to commit to the following 10 New Years Resolutions.

1. I will not get to the drive through window and ask for a Braille menu
2. I will not answer "With Your Money!" when the cashier asks me, "How Would You Like To Pay For that?"
3. I will not say, "Yes, Right Where You Left Everything!" when the sales person asks, "Did You Find Everything OK?"
4. I will not hold up the line while I search the bottom of my purse for exact change
5. I will not challenge every price on every item the cashier rings up
6. I will not say, "Hello, my name is Bonnie, and I will be your customer today!", when the server at the restaurant introduces themselves at the table
7. I will not take more than the maximum number of items allowed at the Express checkout
8. I will not park my SUV in the compact car space, and I will park within the lines
9. I will not leave perishables such as frozen foods on the gum rack at the grocery checkout because I am too lazy to put it back where I found it
10. I will not ignore or tell the charity worker outside the store that "I Already Gave" and keep walking

This is dedicated to all of the Retailers, Servers, and Customer Service representatives who have had to endure long lines, cranky customers and working long hours on holidays!

My own personal New Years Resolutions are 2 blogs down!

Thank You For Your Hard Work!!!

Don't Laugh In Court

Yesterday, I had to tell my self not to break out with a belly laugh in Family Court!

When my daughter went through her divorce 12 years ago , I would get physically ill sitting in court and watching my daughter's soon to be ex and -n-laws putting her through the mill with new charges and court dates.

One such charge was when she had the audacity to keep Stephen at home on Mother's Day! Imagine a mother wanting to be with her own children on that day. That one made her ex-n-laws so mad that they tried to get her put in jail!

Well, my daughter took me and the Bible seriously when it said to turn the other cheek. I must confess though, there were times I just wanted to punch a few cheeks, but I restrained myself.

She never denied visitation and yet somehow, the paternal grand-parents took her to court for Grand-Parent visitation. Their hope was to take Stephen to Korea to Dad and his dad's adulteress and leave him there for them to raise. I never said they were particularly intelligent people!

Well, being a God loving Mother, my daughter kept her chin up, her attitude positive, and tried her best to be the best Mom and person that she could. She kept the door open for visitation because she was always taught that a child should never be blocked from having a relationship with any part of their family.

As a result, Stephens' father decided not to see him for the past 9 years, the grand-parents dropped in and out and now back in to his life and they are actually now regretting all that took place in the past to upset the relationship.

But the best part of all, in court yesterday, my daughter, who was worried that her minuscule child support (from when he made $900 a month) would be going down now that Stephen is 14 actually saw her child support almost double!

Her ex-husband had to do a conference call from Northern California to the Judge. Now this is a man who has had four more kids and his adulteress turned wife is not working. When the Judge asked when my daughter's ex last saw Stephen, he said "around 2000." Mistake #1. When the Judge asked if there was a reason why his (my daughter's ex) wife couldn't work, he told the Judge "NO". Mistake #2. When the Judge asked him if he would like to consider a hardship considering the number of kids her ex has at home, my my daughter's ex didn't understand what the word hardship meant, and he said "NO, I'm fine paying what I do right now." Mistake #3.

Bottom Line Visit your child, zip up your pants and ask for the Judge to explain anything you don't understand!

1. Getting a divorce from a man with no self control = over $25,000

2. Fighting one last time in court without a lawyer = $ - 0 -

3. Hearing your ex-husbands reaction when the Judge doubles his child support because he never visited his child = $ PRICELESS!!!

bitsfrombonnie

Top Ten New Years Resolutions

10. This year, I will spend more time with my kids and grand-kids at their homes, and less time stocking my own fridge.

9. This year, I will pay to have my hair dyed so that my forehead is not dyed chestnut brown.

8. This year, I will try to be successful at weight loss, or gain 10 pounds so I have a better chance at the quarter million on "Biggest Looser".

7. This year, I will watch less TV, because I am too cheap to buy the converter.

6. This year, I won't wait for the other person to leave the bathroom first. I will proudly exit without shame as I look them right in the eye!

5. This year, I will wash my hands every time I leave the public bathroom.

4. This year, I will try not to pick my teeth with my tongue, straws , credit cards or the edge of a piece of paper.

3. This year, I will not jerk my head away when someone catches me staring at them. I will simply keep staring and then smile strangely.

2. This year, I will be kind enough to tell people when I see a whistler hanging from their nose.

And the number one New Years Resolution.....

1. This year, I will stop sniffing my hand every time I touch something.

Happy New Year!!!

bitsfrombonnie

Dear Mother, Our Mother

Dear Mother Our Mother
What Great Love We Share
You Raised Us All Five
With Your Love And Care

You Nurtured And Guided Us
With Discipline And Love
And Lovingly Taught Us
Of Our God Above

You Prepared Us For Life
And Now That We're Grown
You Respect Our Decisions
Though Some Aren't Your Own





Through Good Times And Bad Times
You've Guided Us Through
You're Always There For Us
In All That We Do

Your Patience Abounding
Through Bad Moods And Tempers
You Taught Us Forgiveness
And To Always Remember



That Our Heavenly Father
Will Keep Our Love Strong
And Know That He Is With Us
Through All That Goes Wrong

Dear Mother, Our Mother What Great Love We Share...You Raised Us All Five With Your Love And Care

My Mother's Trunk

I was sitting at the computer doing some work, when I heard my mother groaning behind me. I got up to get her settled in her bed, and give her a little more water before she falls back to sleep. She is bed ridden and has three broken bones from the cancer that has riddled her body. She sleeps most of the day because she is on morphine for the pain. I am thankful for every moment that I get to spend with her as she prepares for her final journey home.





Memories from my childhood come rushing back to me as I take care of my mother. One such memory, is my mothers' old trunk.





When I was a child, my parents had an old trunk in the closet. In that trunk were some old pictures, the family picture album, a few papers, my mothers' wedding dress, my dads pen striped suit, and his sailor suit from the Navy.





There wasn't a lot in that old trunk, but for some reason I would be drawn back over and over again to look at those old things and my imagination would run wild. I would look at my Dads' sailor suit and think of Gene Kelly in a sailor suit dancing along with Frank Sinatra, . I remember getting in trouble for wearing his sailor pants to school once and then trying to sneak them back into the trunk. His pin striped suit made me think of Edward G. Robinson in a gangster movie. My mothers' wedding dress made me think of Betty Grable or Katherine Hepburn in an old movie. It was not a traditional wedding gown, it was a peach suit made of a delicate material with a belt in the middle. I used to try it on and stand in front of the mirror seeing myself as one of those old movie queens. I would even put on gloves and bright liptstick sometimes, and hold one of my mothers cigarettes in my hand like they did in the movies. (that was a time when for some reason, they managed to make smoking look glamorous)

Several years ago, the trunk and all of its contents were ruined when a flood hit where it was being stored. I was so sad to hear that everything was ruined in that old trunk. It held such fun and wonderful memories for me.

Today, I still hang on to those memories and rely on them from time to time to help me get through the tough times.

I just hope that my kids have something to hang on to as wonderful memories about me, the same way I hang on to memories of my Mom, my Dad, and that old trunk.

bitsfrombonnie

Christmas Is Coming!

I was raised to have a full understanding of the words, "It's the thought that counts!". My parents raised five of us with a very limited income. Parents didn't spend a fortune back then to make Christmas special, they didn't have it to spend. The only way they had to make Christmas feel special back then, was to leave crumbs and an empty glass on the counter, and then go outside to jingle bells and shout "HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!!!". And for some reason, we were always more exited than you can imagine!

This was back in a time when neighbors strung lights across to connect with each others homes, and at least 3 houses had speakers rigged to play Holiday music for all of the passers by to hear. Every now and then, you would have to go in and move the needle because the neighbor informed you that they just heard the same line about 200 times.

Moms made homemade cookies to serve throughout December and somehow managed to sew a complete wardrobe for you without you finding out. Kids put cloves in oranges and made handmade ornaments that always had their school picture on it somewhere. For some reason, families just went out together from house to house singing carols. The school Christmas program actually had songs about the birth of Christ!

It was the one time of the year that everyone joined together and were truly thankful for all they had, even though it was not much.

Maybe the change we need in America, is to go back to a time when we worked hard for little, and appreciated a lot!!!

THE FOLLOWING POST WILL BE FUNNY!

Just Yesterday

Just yesterday, I could hear my mom yelling "Bonnie and Billy, get your butt's home right now!!!" as we played outside with our friends after dark.

Just yesterday, I was wearing a plaid skirt with a striped top because I didn't listen when my mom said, "If it's not in the hamper, it won't get washed!".

Just yesterday, my mom split a band candy bar between five kids because we couldn't afford to buy one for each child, but we all loved that candy bar.

Just yesterday, my mom was coming in the front door from work and saying, "I can hear that stereo all the way down the street!".

Just yesterday, my mom was sitting with me at FIDM, to discuss going to College, and saying, "If this is where you want to go to school, I am there for you!".

Just yesterday, we all drove to the chapel in the rain, and mom cried as dad gave me away.

Just yesterday, mom gave me five receiving blankets and said, "I made them bigger so they will last a little longer for the baby!"

Just yesterday, mom was holding me as we stood at my husbands funeral.

Just yesterday, I was holding mom as we stood at my Dad's funeral.

Just yesterday, I found out that my mom has cancer.

Just yesterday, I cried.

Just yesterday, I smiled when I thought of all my yesterdays with mom.

family matters